Whenever someone says to me "I'm so sorry to hear about what happened" or "I'm so sorry for your loss" I immediately and automatically respond with two simple words.
I don't know why these four syllables come out (maybe because it's a British thing to say) and I realise as soon as the words have left my lips that they are, in fact, a lie. It isn't ok. Nothing about this is ok. What happened to him isn't ok. My heart isn't ok. My head isn't ok. I'm not ok. I keep going, pretending, lying to myself that I am. And for moments, even days I manage to convince myself. But when I look deep down inside I know. It sneaks back. It overtakes me. The truth.
I'm exhausted. Putting on a front and pretending to feel normal takes a lot of energy. To smile at the unsuspecting people who's world hasn't changed and is still spinning in the same way as before. To appear happy when inside I'm silently aching. I'm screaming. I still feel confused. I still feel in shock. I still feel guilty. I still feel lonely. I still feel lost. I still feel sad. I'm still not ok. Nothing about this is ok.
Everything hurts. But why? Still? Is it for what I'm never going to have? Is it for what I've lost? Is it for the beautiful boy who shouldn't be gone but is? I've realised its all these things. I'm so sad for him. But I'm selfish and I'm sad for me too.
I almost wasn't going to publish this post. I read it back and realised, for the first time, that there was no sense of hope or happiness in my words. I was struggling to see any positives without him. I was struggling to see how it was possible for me to regress back into my sadness over time. People say to me "you'll feel better in time" and this is partially true. But what they fail to mention is that sometimes you will feel worse again in order to get better.
But I have to keep going. I'm a human being after all and it's what we do. We survive. Life takes bravery. I find things, however big or small, to help me cope. Friends, family, writing, music, remembering. Because there is no other option but to keep going. It's what he would have wanted. I'm in the car on the way home from my beautiful friend's wedding and more than anything this weekend has shown me that there is so much happiness and love in the world. That's what life is all about. So, as they said in one of the speeches, "here's to today, here's to tomorrow" we need to enjoy it. Because we never know which day will be our last.